


Liar Liar

by CupcakeGirlA



Category: Olympics RPF, Real Person Fiction, Speed Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:15:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeGirlA/pseuds/CupcakeGirlA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JR is an excellent liar. So good, even he believes the lies sometimes. But there is one person that can see right through him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

JR Celski is an excellent liar. He hadn’t started out that way. He vividly remembers being a little boy and getting into trouble for lying. Badly. He remembers his mother catching him with his hand in the cookie jar and trying futilely to lie his way out of it. He’d been spanked for the transgression and the lies. They’d been blatant after all. He’d been caught with chocolate on his hands and his mouth, sitting up high on the counter, and his hand literally inside the cookie jar. So retrospectively five swats on the ass had sort of been well deserved, and actually kind of a lenient sentence, all things considered. So he hadn’t always been a good liar. It was something that he had learned slowly, over the years.

He grew up with two older brothers. Chris and David were both good guys. Honest and hardworking. But they’d gotten into trouble a lot and both had adapted, learned, how to fib here and there to lessen their punishment. He was young and impressionable when the two of them had hit their teen-years one right after the other. There had been mistruths about missed curfews, and dings to the car’s paint. Arguments over who had broken this dish, or ate the last of that food, or made whichever mess.

Even JR’s parents had lied on occasion. They had never lied about anything really big. Never broken the law or anything like that. But they had lied. They’d told him if he kept making that face it’d freeze that way, that Santa and the Easter Bunny were in fact real, and that swimming was fun, not just good exercise. All lies. He had memories of his mother being nice to Mrs. Banks who lived across the street. She’d been a mean old lady, and JR knew his mother didn’t like her. But every time they passed each other in the supermarket Sue would smile and say hello, and on more than one occasion say something nice about her to a mutual friend. It had been better in Sue’s eyes to lie about liking someone than to be rude or mean.

So, JR had learned that lying had its uses, if done correctly, and for a good reason. JR learned how to lie and when. He doesn’t ever do it maliciously. Mostly he does it to keep the peace, or to not upset people. And sometimes to hide bits of himself he doesn’t want other people to see.

It’s at 12 that he starts to lie about liking girls. He doesn’t. Not really. Well he likes them as friends, as people to hang out with. But while all his friends are starting to notice a girls curves, and growing boobs, JR is noticing other things… about boys. He likes muscular legs, and butts, chests and arms. He won’t admit it, not to anyone but himself, that his first crush is shortly thereafter on Apolo Ohno. He doesn’t tell anyone though. He just pretends like he is just like everyone else. That’s where the lying comes in. He has a girlfriend at 13, another at 14.

So he grows to become a pretty good liar. He doesn’t do it all the time, but he does it often enough to get really really good at it. That it wasn’t hard anymore. No one ever doubts or questions him. At 14 he finally convinces his parents to let him move to Lakewood, to train with Wilma Boomstra. As he’s packing his bags to go, he lies about not being scared to go to so far away without his parents. He pretends for their benefit that he’s perfectly fine with the move, with leaving his friends and family behind and going down there with just Chris to start all over again. The truth is he’s scared shitless but he’s equally afraid that if he shows he’s scared he won’t get to go. Short track is what he wants, more than anything else. If he has to lie to his parents about how he’s feeling to get the training he needs, he’s willing to do that.

But, being away from his parents is much harder than he had imagined. Chris is great, he’s one of JR’s favorite people in the world, and one of his very favorite brothers, but he isn’t a parent. He makes JR do his own laundry, cook a large portion of his own meals, and keep his own schedule. He’s there in California, in the same apartment, but he’s busy with work and having a life of his own too. JR’s lonelier than he had thought he’d be. The training is amazing, exactly how he’d hoped it would be, but harder and more intense than he’d anticipated.

After over a year and a half in California, the load starts to get to be too heavy. The entire time his parents and Chris have carefully monitored how he is doing, trying to be sure he wasn’t taking on too much. But instead they see only what JR wants them to see. Yes he gets lonely, and yes he gets tired. But he’s doing good. He’s skating well, making progress, and winning races. He’s in the honors program at school, gets especially great grades, and hasn’t gotten into much trouble. He’s even made friends in California, in and out of the skating program. But it gets to just be too much to handle. A bad fall in Romania, and suddenly he’s in pain all the time, and there’s no time to take a break. No chance for it to heal, and JR won’t slow down. He adds Physical therapy to his schedule and keeps on going. It is two months later that he can’t keep up with it all. He’s exhausted. It’s too much balancing school, practice, therapy, and taking care of himself. He’s only 15 and eventually he can’t take it anymore. It’s too much pressure. Too much expectation. Everyone believes the lie, even JR had started to believe it, until it gets to the point where he just can’t keep it up any longer. That’s when he has to stop lying about how bad things really are.

The move home is hard. JR wants to go but he wants to stay. He’s made so much progress and he’s doing good in school and at the rink, but he misses his Mom and Dad. He misses the rain, and the green of Washington. The friends he’d had since preschool. And he hurts. Bad. All the time. He doesn’t want to leave Wilma’s training group. But in the end the homesickness, loneliness, and injury win and he moves back to Federal Way.

As soon as he moves home he wishes he hadn’t. It’s great to be back with his friends and family, being taken care of by his mom, and encouraged by his dad. He’s eating better, and back at his school with his old friends, but it’s like he’s out grown it all somehow. After a year away it chafes to be back at home with his parents. He’s got chores again, and a home life dictated by his parents. His Mom nags him about homework, and how late he stays up. His dad is on him about his curfew, and asks constantly where he’s going and when he’ll be back each time he leaves the house. For a year he’d lived with Chris in California, where he took care of himself, and made his own schedule. It’s hard to adjust to it again. And by the end of the first week he’s already longing for the freedom Lakewood had brought.

But he swallows that down. Because each time his mom walks into a room and sees JR sitting there her smile is huge and her eyes sparkle with happiness. JR feels guilty for even thinking it. He knows how hard it had been on the whole family to be split up emotionally and financially. He knows how much it would take to do it all over again, especially so soon after the move home. So he lies again. He tells his parents he’s so happy to be back. He tells them how much he missed them, which is true enough, and how he’s sure he’s made the right decision, which is an outright lie. Back home in Federal Way he has time to heal, to take the time for physical therapy. He’s not training while home. Just school, and family, and fixing the damage he’d done to his back.

That’s enough for a long time. But his back does heal, and he misses the speed of short track so much that it’s less than a year before he’s itching to go back. To appease his parents, he waits until the end of his Junior year to transfer back to California. This time his Dad moves with him. It’s kind of the best of both worlds. He’s got a parent with him, keeping him on track and watching his back, but he’s not being smothered. He’s back at his old school, back in training, back pursuing his dream and for a while JR has few reasons to lie.

He’s still “dating” girls from his school, but never anything serious. So he still lies about being gay. And he still pushes himself too hard and lies about that. He still misses home and his mom, and his brothers, and if not lying about it he definitely downplays how much and how often they’re all on his mind. But with the new balance in his life he feels like there’s not as much of himself that he needs to hide. He graduates from high school, and after a summer of training he finally makes the National team.

Moving to SLC is like moving into a whole new world. There’s no more school. No more parents. No more Coach Wilma. No more beach. No more friends. He’s really and truly alone for the very first time ever. His mom and dad call him every day the first few months to check on him. He always tells them he’s fine. Even when he’s not. He’s on the National team. He’s training against Apolo Anton Ohno every day he goes to the oval. He’s the youngest guy on the team, and everyone keeps looking at him like he’s the next big thing in short track. He lies when he says he’s not scared, not worried, or stressed out. He says it doesn’t bother him when people compare him to Apolo. When they compare their histories, and choices, and achievements. It seems like all that combined means that JR is destined to be just as successful and popular as Apolo has always been.

To compensate for the pressure of being forced into Apolo’s somewhat intimidating shadow, JR starts to pretend like it hasn’t happened at all. He tells people he doesn’t feel the pressure, that there’s no mantle he’s being required to pick up whether he wants it or not. That’s Apolo’s not someone he looks up too just because they’re from the same place. That he looks up to him just like every other young skater does. That it’s no different from how Kyle C and Kyle U, or Simon look up to Apolo. But it is different. JR knows it is. Because he remembers Apolo from when he was a little boy. Because they’d grown up in the same small suburb, skated in-line for the same team at the same rink. They’d started at the same age, for the same reasons. They were both half-Asian, and from Federal Way, WA. And if JR was being completely honest, and JR was rarely if ever completely honest, not even with himself, he’d admit that his first crush at the age of 12 on Apolo had never really gone away. He wants to be him almost as much as he wants to have him for his own. And why wouldn’t he? Apolo is famous, rich, and the best short track skater in USA history. He’s fast, and aggressive on the ice, charming and friendly off the ice. He has a great sense of humor and he shares a lot of JR’s interests and tastes. He’s also beautiful, and his body presses all the right triggers in JR’s head to get him hard in 30 seconds flat. JR’s never reacted so completely or so fast to anyone before. It’s a constant struggle to not let it show that first year. It’s made easier in that to Apolo, JR knows, he’s just a kid Apolo used to know. Competition and teammate and training partner but not necessarily friend.

His skills at diverting attention from himself blossom during that first year in SLC.

It’s easy to hide in plain sight with Jordan Malone around. He’s loud and boisterous and always laughing. It’s a simple matter of sitting behind him laughing at the foolishness. Jordan’s fun, it’s not hard or a burden to be friends with him. And Jordan always diverts attention away from JR, which he feels is always a plus. Add Simon and Travis to the mix, and JR doesn’t have to worry at all about people noticing him or questioning him. He’s the quiet one in the group. He joins in the fun, and the jokes, goes over to play videogames with the guys after practice, and he trains. That’s who he is in SLC, and JR likes it that way. He concentrates on becoming the best short track speed skater he can possibly be. And he succeeds. He makes the worlds team, he goes and wins medal after medal. And he’s happy.

But he doesn’t count on how observant Apolo is. That’s his one big mistake. He underestimates Apolo Anton Ohno. He should really know better.

 

Apolo Ohno understands the necessity for half truths and lies. He’s been a “celebrity” for 8 years now. He knows what it’s like to be hounded by the press, to have every aspect of your life, real and imagined, aired in the tabloids, and to have every move you make critiqued and speculated over. He understands the drive to keep your personal business personal and that sometimes that necessitates a lie or two, a little mistruth, or a coy smile. He also appreciates that saying every dumb thought that comes into your head in front of the whole world is not only stupid but also counterproductive. So yes, he gets it, the need for lying and deception, especially in places like LA, where everyone seems to have an angle, or in any situation where cameras are involved. He understands. He really does. But that doesn’t mean he has to like it. For Apolo there is his public life and his private life, and in his private life he works to keep things real. Because he’s so high profile, he has to be careful about who he lets into his private circle and who is relegated to the public one. And ever since the Torino Games, and the explosion of popularity that came along with Dancing With The Stars right afterward, the number of new people he’s let into his private circle has been shrinking with each passing year.

At first he has no idea what to do about JR.

JR, Apolo thinks, is an anomaly. Apolo’s pretty good at reading people. It’s part of why he’s such a great competitor. He can read his opponents like a book. A lot of that is instinct, but part of it is practice. He’s a people watcher, and he likes to study his opponents, to try and figure out how their minds work, and how to read what they’re thinking and planning in the lines of their bodies during a race. There’s no time in short track to study someone’s facial expressions and try and figure them out that way. So he learns to study the tenseness of a shoulder, the jerk of a hand, or nod of a head. But JR… JR is strange.

Apolo hears about him before he meets him. The kids racking up medals at Junior events are usually something he tries to pay at least minimal attention too. He’s been through 3 generations of Korean skaters already, so he is acutely aware that there are younger USA skaters moving up behind the older more experienced ones, set to replace them at the first opportunity. He’d once been one of them himself. And it’s good to know what competition you’re facing at home, not just internationally. He doesn’t recognize JR and his name at first. Celski isn’t so uncommon a name as to automatically peak Apolo’s interest. It sounds familiar, but he doesn’t place it right away. He hears about the medal count and skills first. And in his head, Apolo starts to formulate a picture of who this kid must be. Smart, quick witted, confident, and cocky are all part of the idea starting to form in his head.

It’s Jimmy who jogs his memory. He stops Apolo after practice one day in early 2008. He’s smiling and shaking his head.

“Is that the secret to your success? Something they feed you up in Washington? Something in the water?” he asks. Apolo looks at him in confusion and Jimmy laughs. He holds out a CD case with a home burned disc inside.

“What are you talking about, Jimmy? What is this?” he asks.

“I’m hoping he’s our next YOU!” Jimmy laughs. Apolo frowns, looking at the disk. “JR Celski, 17, Federal Way, WA – Boomstra” is written across it in dark blue Sharpie. Jimmy’s still laughing as he turns and walks away.

Apolo takes the disc home with him. He watches it all the way through, then again and again. The kid is good, remarkable really. He’s focused, determined, and completely calm. He’s hard as hell to read. There’s no cockiness to be seen, no haughtiness. It’s footage from the last few Junior Nationals, and the previous months Junior World Championships. Apolo keeps watching it over and over again. One race after another after another. It’s on the third run through that it all clicks in Apolo’s head. At the end of one of the races JR skates over to the wall and waves at two people in the crowd, who jump and wave back. Apolo knows their faces.

Bob and Sue Celski were always great to Apolo. He remembers them fondly from his adolescent years, the last few right before he switched over to ice from inline. He’d been on the same team as their two oldest sons. Chris and David hadn’t been close friends, but they’d hung out a few times, and their family had always been around during practices and competitions. Apolo remembers Sue having made exceptional white chocolate walnut cookies. His eyes go a little wide when he realizes who JR is. It’s hard to reconcile the timid 3 year old he’d first met with the confident teenager he’s just watched race on his computer screen. But when Apolo searches his memory he’s able to recall JR’s face. Brown eyes, brown hair, the dimples. He remembers watching JR race just once on inline. He’d gotten to the competition early, one of the last ones he’d done before dedicating himself to ice, and had caught the “baby races” as the older kids often called them. The 4 and 5 year olds always raced on a half rink, all wearing skates and helmets that seemed way too big for their tiny bodies. Apolo had been bored waiting for his own age group to get called up and had wandered over to watch the little kids compete. He’d been blown away by the winner of the 3rd five year old boy race. JR had skated like he was born for it. He was eager and competitive even at just five years old. He’d also been wickedly fast. Apolo vividly remembers the joy that had shown in his little face as he raced and won that first time. Apolo at 13, had smiled and cheered for him, watching him skate over to his parents for hugs and congratulations. Apolo can easily see that same talent and enthusiasm in the races on the disc. JR, it seems, had grown up, but he hadn’t changed all that much in the process. He was still talented, still wickedly fast, and still competitive.

Apolo keeps the disc, and when Jimmy asks him about JR the next day, Apolo has an answer ready for him.

“He has potential. He seems like a natural, but he needs to work on his starts, and sometimes he looks scared to pass the guys in front of him. But he could be really good. You thinking the Vancouver team?” he asks, stretching his leg up behind him, and pulling upward on his foot. Jimmy nods.

“All true. But I don’t think it’ll take him that long to get on the National team. He turns 18 next summer. I imagine we could see him here in Salt Lake as early as next fall.” Apolo startles at the information and nearly falls over. “Apolo? You ok?” Jimmy asks reaching out to steady him. Apolo releases his leg to stand straight again.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll be 18 already?” he asks. Jimmy nods, still looking concerned. Apolo laughs. “I didn’t realize it had been that long,” he says.

“Apolo, what are you talking about?” Jimmy asks. Apolo smiles brightly.

“I knew him when he was little,” Apolo explains. “I used to skate inline on the same team as his big brothers, Chris and David.”

“Really?” Jimmy asks. “No wonder he lists you as the reason he started. You’re the hometown favorite.” Jimmy walks away laughing again.

Apolo watches him go, shaking his head, and feeling strange. He’d heard it a thousand times it seems since he’d first gone to the Olympics. “I started short track because of you!” It has become a common thing to hear from young skaters just starting out. But this time it seems more real. He’s known JR since he was a little kid. It’s strange to think that JR started because of him. It means more somehow than when it’s a random stranger saying it.

Apolo watches the disc at least once every night for the next few days, and repeatedly over the next few months, on average once or twice a week. Then the following fall JR skates in his first ever American Cup. He finishes 3rd, and earns a spot on the World Cup team. Apolo doesn’t compete. He spends the week in Marquette training. He’d won World Champion the previous spring and had automatically qualified for the team. JR qualifies third behind Jeff Simon and Anthony Lobello. Though he doesn’t compete with the National team until World Cups 5 and 6 the following year, JR moves to SLC just a few weeks after making the U.S. National Team.

Suddenly Apolo is faced with JR Celski live and in person, every single day. It’s a bit hard to adjust too, really.

JR is nothing like Apolo has imagined. Apolo has spent hours upon hours watching the disc. He’s built him up in his head to be a person Apolo could respect if not particularly like. But JR is not cocky or full of himself, or even all that self-confident. He skates with determination, but he’s not aggressive enough, especially not when faced with the national team members. He’s actually kind of shy, reserved. It’s strange how unlike Apolo he really is. Apolo was half expecting JR to show up and be some over the top Mini!Apolo, but he isn’t. Not at all.

JR is quiet. Apolo notices it the first week, the first day even. At first he thinks it’s intimidation, or age, or moving away by himself so young. But it doesn’t go away. Three months in and JR has found a niche. He hangs out with Jordan and Simon primarily, and with Travis when the older man isn’t too wrapped up in his new romance with Aly. He has found a place amongst the chaos of the Oval and has adapted well.

JR’s reactions to Apolo are at times telling and most of the time strange. For the first week JR freezes up each time he comes within 10 feet of Apolo. He tries to keep someone else between them at all times. He stays two mats away during dryland, and at least 1/3 of a lap behind Apolo during ice training. The first time Apolo tries to talk to him, JR’s eyes had gotten real big, and his face had flushed. Then the strangest thing had happened. He’d straightened his shoulders, lifted his chin, and smiled at Apolo like he wasn’t nervous at all. He’d held out a hand and introduced himself. Apolo had watched him curiously for the rest of the day, confused by the contradictions.

JR continues to skate Junior events for the rest of the season, competing in his first two world cups with the National team and medaling twice. He’s good, and he’s getting better and better. At 2009 World Championships a month later, it’s like all of the sudden JR finds his stride, medaling 5 times, more than Apolo does. And Apolo remains fascinated by him. Here’s this kid who lists Apolo as one of his main reasons for switching to ice, who shares so much in common with Apolo, down to even his taste in music, and he barely talks to Apolo at all. It’s Apolo who almost always initiates a conversation. And while Apolo tries not to be too cocky in his own dealing with younger skaters, it kind of freaks him out that JR isn’t acting like they normally do. He’s not following Apolo around, trying to catch his attention. He’s not asking him a thousand questions a day. He’s not asking if they can hang out later. He doesn’t blush and start to giggle when Apolo tells him he’s done a good job, or offers encouragement. It just doesn’t gel in Apolo’s head. If he’s JR’s skating idol, which JR has admitted in several interviews, than why doesn’t he seem to want to have anything to do with Apolo? It’s something that should stop Apolo from counting JR among his private circle. But JR’s a teammate if nothing else, and Apolo can’t see him as something outside of their little skating community. JR is confusing at best, and contradictory at worst.

To be honest, and Apolo is always nothing but honest with himself, it makes him even more interested in trying to figure JR out. Apolo backs off from trying to get to know him better until the end of the season. Instead he starts watching JR more. He’s known for being quiet and observant when the mood strikes him, and he’s not overly obvious about it, so JR doesn’t seem to catch on. But Apolo does start to notice some peculiar things about the younger man.

For instance: JR takes a joke better than anyone Apolo’s ever known. To be friends with Jordan Malone you have to have a pretty raunchy sense of humor, and if not that, the patience and the ability to not let Maloney’s drive you nuts. Jordan can be over the top, even taking things a bit too far sometimes. And a lot of the time his humor and jokes are directed at his friends. He doesn’t let anything embarrassing slide by without comment. JR however never gets upset. He takes the jibes and the teasing with a smile and a tilt of the head, and sometimes a roll of the eyes. But he never says anything back in anger or frustration. He never loses his temper, or complains. He doesn’t snap at Jordan, or tell him to knock it off. He just takes it with a smile. Instead JR usually diverts Jordan’s attention to something else soon after. It’s always subtle, but he manages to get Jordan to refocus on something that isn’t JR within just a few minutes. It’s masterful really. But it’s JR’s physical reaction that gives him away to Apolo. It takes a bit of careful study before Apolo catches JR’s tells. There’s a tightening in JR’s shoulders, a straightening in JR’s back. He smiles, but it fades faster than normal and it doesn’t quite spread as wide or full across his face. He’s genuinely bothered by what Jordan has said, but he doesn’t let Jordan, or anyone else see it. Apolo wonders if anyone else, besides himself has ever noticed.

Once Apolo has spotted this first quirk of JR’s it’s like he suddenly can’t STOP noticing them. One after another.

JR professes to like any and all types of music. Sure he has his favorites, but he refuses to “dislike” a genre of music no matter what. But he really, Apolo has decided, hates country music. Well not ALL country music. JR seems to favor the more rock or even pop-like country songs. But Apolo’s watched him when it’s Ryan’s turn to pick the music to play during a dryland session and honky-tonk country starts wailing out of the stereo system. While the rest of the team groans and moans and whines about the choice of music, JR just grins at Ryan, who always looks vaguely hurt at the group reaction, and goes back to stretching out his hamstrings. But Apolo watches the muscles in his back get tighter and tighter instead of loosening and relaxing as they’re supposed too. JR always skates badly on those days. Apolo knows it’s the music that’s the culprit.

JR hates mushrooms. Once a month Apolo and the team sneak off for a clandestine dinner of smuggled pizza and real soda and/or beer. It’s their one luxury in the year leading into the Olympics Games. JR gets dragged along by Jordan for the first time after World Championships. He’s a real member of the National team now. He’d done them all proud in Austria and earned the right to indulge with the rest of them. But Jordan, in typical Jordan fashion, gets there late. They hold their “non-existent” pizza party at a different place each time to avoid being caught and it’s at Travis’s place the first time that JR comes along. By the time they get there most of the pizza has been divided up. All that is really left is three pieces of the olive/mushroom/tomato/pineapple concoction that Katherine always makes them get. Apolo secretly suspects she gets it because she knows few others would want any and that meant more pizza for her. There are also two full pieces of sausage and pepperoni with green pepper, but that’s it. Jordan of course claims seniority and snatches up the meaty pizza. JR accepts two slices of the Reutter Special from her with a smile and a thank you. While everyone is munching, gossiping, and moaning in cheesy greasy ecstasy, JR eats slowly. He’s even quieter than normal, and Apolo watches him nondescriptly picking small brown lumps out of his pizza and hiding them in his napkin.

One month later and JR gets there last again, held after practice by Jimmy for some small, probably trivial, matter. When he shows up he finds that again the only pizza left is Kat’s. Apolo, stretched out on the end of his own leather couch chewing on a piece of heavenly good veggie lovers pizza, watches the muscles in JR’s jaw twitch for just a second and his back goes kind of stiff. But he smiles and says thanks and slumps down on the other end of the couch to once more start picking out the mushrooms.

Apolo wonders what it must be like to never show when you dislike something, to always be polite, and to never cause trouble. The more he starts to understand JR, the more he starts to worry about the younger man.

The rest of the summer passes quickly. Training picks up, goals are set and reached and reset, and Apolo’s focus turns more and more with each passing day to Vancouver. But he can’t stop paying attention to JR. He can’t get away from him really. He’s at every practice, and every official workout. Apolo just keeps noticing him and he just keeps picking up on more little cues that things aren’t right with JR.

Apolo isn’t nervous at Olympic Trials. It’s his fourth time he’s gone to Olympic trials, and he’d made the team three times. He’s more physically fit and ready than ever before and he goes in still ranked number one in the US. He’s not worried about making the team. Instead he goes in eager to see which of the guys will be going with him. It’s close for the first few days. The only member of the team Apolo’s not worried about is JR, who is kicking ass and taking names. Apolo even starts to get a bit nervous that he might be usurped by the kid when tragedy strikes.

In the 500 semi-final JR takes the turn too wide and his skate slips. For Apolo, waiting in the heat box to race in the next semi, it’s like the next 60 seconds happens in slow motion. He watches JR slide across the ice, hitting the wall face first, knees bent. Apolo knows it’s going to be bad even before he hits, legs twisted, bouncing off the pads and sliding out into the middle of the track on his hip. JR sits up, reaching down, and all Apolo can see is red; red on the ice, on JR’s hands, on his suit, and on his skate blade. It’s everywhere. And he’s powerless to do anything to stop it. Apolo tries to get out on the ice but an official stops him, stops all of them, letting the medics and then JR’s family surround where he still sits on the ice. His face is twisted, his mouth open in a pained grimace, his skin pale. Apolo thinks for a moment that it’s the most open and real expression he’s seen on the younger man’s face since they met. Later, after the ice is resurfaced, and JR comes out of emergency surgery with more than 60 stitches and a prognosis that isn’t exactly optimistic, Apolo lays in his hotel room bed and stares at the ceiling for hours. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

When the competition is over the next day they all go down to the hospital to see JR. As soon as he’s fit to fly, he’s leaving immediately for Colorado Springs and the Olympic Training Center there to start rehab. He’s made the Olympic team in second place, even after missing the last few races.

Everyone is eager to see him before they all have to leave for SLC, not knowing how long it will be until he’s back training in Utah with the National Team. Apolo, though, isn’t sure he wants to see JR. He doesn’t want to see him doped up or in pain, and he’s a little afraid of how JR will be reacting to all this.

It turns out the good drugs make JR talkative. He greets them all with a big, goofy, but seemingly genuine smile, probing them about the final standings and for information about their travel plans.

Apolo bends down and gives him a hug just like the rest of the guys, then sits in the chair in the corner, the one Sue had recently vacated to give them time to visit with JR alone. JR is pale, blood loss, Apolo’s mind whispers, but he looks happy to see them all, which seems genuine enough. Jordan and Simon are both loud, trying to be supportive and coming off kind of juvenile, but they make JR laugh. Travis and Jeff are quieter, sitting in the corner and laughing along. When the laughter quiets again, it’s Anthony that says something.

“So what do they think about your chances for Vancouver?” he asks quietly. Apolo’s eyes go to JR’s face immediately. It gets really quiet in the room, everyone going silent at the question, all waiting anxiously for the answer. But Apolo doesn’t look around at their teammates and friends. Instead he focuses solely on JR’s facial expression. The smile goes cold and tense. He pushes himself up in the bed, groaning a little at the way the movement tugs at his leg. Then he smiles again and this time it makes Apolo hold back a wince.

“I’m going to be fine for the games. They think 3 months maybe and I’ll be back on the ice. That gives me plenty of time before the Olympics to get back into race shape.” JR says. There’s a look of relief on the faces of the rest of the guys, but Apolo carefully doesn’t react. They all stay for maybe half an hour until they are forced to leave. Most of them flying home or back to Utah later that day. Only Apolo remains. He sits quietly in the corner watching them all go, and soon he’s alone in the room with JR. JR tilts his head back against his pillow, closing his eyes.

“You ok?” Apolo asks, standing up out of the chair and moving closer. JR startles at his voice, jumping in the bed, and letting out a pained groan, reaching for his leg. Apolo rushes over. “Oh, God! JR, fuck, I’m sorry!” Apolo says. JR shakes his head, teeth gritted against the pain, and slowly, carefully, relaxes again. He looks at Apolo in confusion.

“I thought everyone left?” JR says. Apolo shrugs.

“My flight’s not until tomorrow. I’m headed back to Seattle to spend some time with my Dad before heading back to SLC. I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s hurting pretty bad huh?” he asks. JR shrugs, looking away from him, to pick at the blanket. “It’s ok to admit it hurts, JR. It wouldn’t be natural otherwise.”

“It’s not that bad. I can handle it!” JR says a bit defensibly. Apolo smiles at him.

“I never said you couldn’t,” Apolo says quietly. JR seems to deflate back against the pillows. “I know it has to be hurting pretty fucking bad. I know you want to be all manly about it and not admit that it hurts. But take it from someone who ignored injuries and didn’t get them treated when they should have and paid the price. You are injured. If you want it to heal right, and heal as fast as possible you have got to be honest. If the doctors if not with your parents. When you get to Colorado Springs and they start rehab, you have got to be completely honest with them, JR. They can only help you if they know what is really going on with that leg.” Apolo crosses his arms over his chest and stares at JR. After a moment of silence, JR nods, looking up and meeting Apolo’s gaze. He nods again, looking more determined. Apolo smiles. “Good. Now I’m going to head out. I’m sure you’ll be back at the Oval training in no time at all.” JR doesn’t say anything as Apolo picks up his sweat shirt and turns to go. He turns back to face JR in the doorway. “Heal fast,” he says, before turning and walking out.


	2. Chapter 2

They get updates at the Oval. JR and his family are in touch with the coaches, and Jordan and some of the other guys get calls fairly regularly. When Jordan is injured, he ends up going to Colorado Springs too for rehab, and they get more detailed updates on JR’s progress from an eye witness. Seeing JR for the first time is like a punch in the gut. He hadn’t been expecting to see him that day, not for weeks yet, and suddenly he’s there. Suddenly he’s back. On December 1st, Apolo walks into the Oval and there JR is. The coaches are going over his doctor’s orders, negotiating an attack plan for how to get his strength, endurance, and balance all back in time for Vancouver. JR stands leaning against the wall, watching the bickering with a smile.

“JR!” Apolo shouts in surprise. JR stands up straight, turning to look at him, the smile growing huge on his face. He walks toward Apolo, his gait sure and natural. He looks good, healthy and happy to be back. Apolo greets him with a big hug, and a pat on the back. “How you doin’ man?” he asks. JR pulls back and shrugs.

“Back three weeks ahead of schedule!” JR says. Apolo grins at him, happy to see him, and impressed by the news.

“How’s it feeling?” he asks. JR smile twitches, but doesn’t fade.

“Good. Still hurts sometimes. But that’s to be expected,” he explains and Apolo can see he means the words.

“That’s fantastic. Now we just got to get you back in shape. You ready to work?” he asks. JR nods smiling.

“Definitely!” JR says.

“Good, because we’re going to need you to be back in racing shape, ASAP,” Apolo says. JR laughs and nods.

“CELSKEET!” Simon yells, throwing open his arms and hurrying toward them both. JR laughs again, turning to greet him.

“I’ll talk to you later, Junior,” Apolo says, squeezing his shoulder. JR nods, giving him another smile, before turning to greet Simon.

Apolo heads to the locker room to get changed into his gym clothes. But when he gets there he finds himself slumping down to sit on a bench, all the breath fleeing his lungs like he’s just landed hard on his back from a great height. He sucks in air, closing his eyes and fighting to regain his composure. He doesn’t understand why he’s reacting this way. It was just JR. JR the kid he’s known since he was just a kid himself, the up-and-coming skater who was already almost as good as Apolo, if not already better. The perpetual liar with the beautiful eyes…. Apolo’s brain grinds to a halt as he reexamines that last one.

Beautiful eyes? He asks himself. Sure JR was handsome, he had a great body, and a wonderful smile, and… Apolo groans, leaning forward to put his head in his hands. This was not good. Not good at all.

 

Apolo doesn’t react as well as he probably could have to the sudden self-awareness that springs up that first day JR is back at the Oval. He sort of pulls away. He goes back to sitting and watching. Only this time it’s not just curiosity and the compulsion to figure out how JR’s mind works that is the cause of the watching. It’s desire too, and a very real self-conscious fear that JR will somehow see it in him, and won’t react well. Apolo’s never been fond of misrepresentation, of lying, or half truths but suddenly he has a whole new appreciation for its necessity at times. He can’t imagine telling JR of his attraction, and when he considers the possible repercussions of such a discussion his heart-rate increases in panic and he knows he’d say anything to keep JR from finding out. Apolo suddenly finds himself understanding JR’s worldview just a touch better in the following weeks.

 

The team slowly prepares for the Vancouver Games. The 2 ½ months following JR’s return seem to simultaneously take forever and fly by. Apolo spends much of the time trying hard to figure out what’s going on in JR’s head, not get caught staring, and prepare for what is likely to be his last Olympic Games, all at the same time. It’s a lot to deal with. The one thing he doesn’t give up in the weeks just before their flights to Vancouver is his favorite pastime of JR watching. He gives up eating what he wants, sleeping when he wants, all semblance of a private life, and any and all recreation, at John’s incessant demand. But he can’t give up JR watching. Not when it’s the only small part of the younger man he’s allowed to have.

They spend so much time together during those last few weeks, with increased practices, and relay training, and team building, that Apolo has plenty of opportunity. Reporters come to shoot fluff pieces, interviewing all of them at random intervals. Apolo as usual gets the most attention, because he’s the most well known. He’s the one on the verge of making US Winter Olympic History. But JR gets the second most amount of attention. The reporters have caught on to the injury story, and the secondary story of JR’s as Apolo’s “protégé” rather quickly. JR gets interviewed again and again, often at the oval, about his leg and how it’s healing. And Apolo, always observant watches him as often as he can. JR lies. He lies about how scared he’d been, about what a miracle it was that he was even back on the ice at all, let alone in racing shape. He lies about the injury not hurting anymore, and about having no nerves going into Vancouver. Apolo knows these to be falsehoods. He’s seen JR stop in the long hallway leading to the ice, watched him walk to the wall when no one is looking, and trace the white Olympic Rings printed there, a look of awe on his face. He’s seen JR favoring his left leg after a hard practice, or wincing at a painful press to the wrong spot. He knows JR is nervous, that JR’s a little in awe, and a little worried. But Apolo doesn’t say anything. It’s not his place to decide what JR should say when reporters and cameras are near. Apolo understands the need there.

When they get to Vancouver JR is assigned to room with Jordan, and Apolo ends up rooming with Travis and Simon. How he gets roomed with the baby and the pothead will still confuse Apolo even years later. But he figures as he settles into his postage stamp sized bedroom, it’s probably better than either alternative. Jordan can be a little much for any of them to handle one-on-one, and Apolo had frankly been a bit worried as to how well he’d be able to focus on his training and races if he was facing 24 hour close contact with JR during their entire time in Canada. So he decides he’s probably got the good end of the deal and doesn’t make a fuss.

As the games start, Apolo goes into a bubble of sorts. His mind is completely focused on what he’s there to do: race and win. He chooses not to go to Opening Ceremonies, instead staying in the dorm room to watch on TV. Just one day later and they’re racing their first prelims and by that night JR and Apolo are both into the final for the 1500m. That’s when things stop going as planned.

The race is crazy from the start. There is a ton of pushing and contact, cross tracking, and changing of position. Apolo never gets into the lead. He’s acutely aware of JR behind him, hovering, never seeming able or willing to pass him. The Koreans are team skating but Apolo knows they won’t be called on it. Going into the last lap, he knows there’s no way. He’s got three Koreans in between him and a place on the medal stand, and JR close behind him. The last turn changes everything. He watches with wide eyes as the Short Track Gods shine down upon them and the two skaters directly in front of him take each other out, sliding painfully into the pads. Apolo skates across the finish line in second, JR in third.

It's a prime example of just how unpredictable and wild their sport is. Apolo’s glad for the medal, excited to have shared medaling with JR. But JR isn’t satisfied. He hides it well, just like he does everything else. But Apolo sees it. He watches JR smile and laugh and celebrate all evening. It’s not until later on the bus back to the village that he lets his guard down. It’s dark on the bus, and they’re alone toward the back, sitting on opposite sides of the aisle. Apolo starts off the ride, listening to his iPod, His eyes are closed and he rests his head on the cold glass of the window. But about midway through the ride he opens his eyes, letting them focus across the aisle. JR’s sitting hunched over on himself, his medal cradled in his hands. He’s studying it carefully, and in the low light his face looks torn. When they pass a streetlamp and light flashes briefly inside the bus, Apolo can see the look on his face more clearly. It’s half awe shining in his eyes and half disappointment. He’s trying to figure out the reasons for the sadness when JR looks up and catches Apolo’s eyes on him. He smiles then, tucking the medal away in his jacket and turning to look out the window. Apolo frowns, turning to do the same. But the look he’s seen on JR’s face bothers him.

Later when they’re alone and walking down the hall toward their section of rooms, Apolo decides to push just a little.

“Hey, JR…” JR turns to look at him. “You ok?” he asks. JR blinks at him.

“I’m fine! Why?” they stop at the intersection, JR’s room down one hallway to the left, Apolo’s down another to the right.

“You just seem disappointed. Which is ok. I get why,” Apolo says. JR looks down for a moment, before looking up to meet Apolo’s eyes.

“Today was amazing. I won an Olympic medal,” JR says with a smile. “What could I possibly have to be disappointed in?” Apolo smiles a little.

“But it wasn’t the one you wanted. It wasn’t the one you were hoping and training for. And you know you’re good enough to have gotten gold. But you didn’t. You’ll get your gold medal, JR. Don’t you worry about that.” Apolo’s talking, at least a little bit, from experience. He sees JR’s forehead crease as he looks away.

“Maybe. Maybe not. I’ll see you tomorrow, Apolo,” he says turning to head down the hallway toward his room. Apolo smirks after him.

“You need to be more aggressive!” Apolo calls out after him. JR pauses turning to look at Apolo over his shoulder. “You deserve to be here. You’ve earned the right. You’re good enough to beat any of them. Even me. You just need to push harder. Good night, JR!” he says. He doesn’t wait for response, just turns and walks away toward his own room.

They don’t talk about it again.

One week later they both race for places in the 1000m Final. The semi’s are tough, everyone pushing and shoving to get a place in that night’s final. Apolo watches fuming as JR gets disqualified in favor of Francois Hamelin. It’s a bad call, and the whole team knows it. But Apolo doesn’t get to talk to JR about it until later that night, after he’d won the silver and made history. But to Apolo that was neither here nor there. The entire day had been sort of a roller coaster ride of emotion for Apolo, and he suspects for JR too, not that JR was willing to talk about it.

Things come to a head later when the team is walking down the hallway of the dorm, just the five of them, heading back to their respective rooms before the team dinner at P&G House. They’re all going to their rooms to change and shower before meeting the rest of the team and their respective families there. Topics of discussion for the walk include that day’s races, Apolo’s historic 7th medal in that night’s 1000m, and finally JR’s disqualification in the 1000m semifinals.

“That was a completely shitty call, man,” Simon says, patting JR on the back. JR smiles at him, shrugging his shoulders.

“It’s short track,” he says quietly, hefting his bag higher up on his shoulder. Apolo frowns, watching him carefully for his reactions.

“It still sucks! Fucking Canadians,” Jordan says, then turning to Travis, “no offense.” Travis throws his hands in the air and laughs shaking his head. Jordan grins at him before continuing, “But, that ref totally called it in favor Frank, simply because it was Frank.” Apolo watches JR’s shoulders grow the slightest bit tenser.

“Nah, it’s fine. This stuff happens all the time,” JR says, as they reach the dorm room he shares Jordan. He unlocks the door flicking on the light. He turns to look at them all.

“No man, but that was just blatant. I mean Francois was practically humping you on the ice, and the ref doesn’t call him on it. You put your hand up to protect yourself and you get disqualified?” Simon asks. JR’s face freezes. But he smiles a second later.

“Guys, it’s short track. We’ve all been there before. We’ll all be there again. Let it go,” JR says and Apolo can’t take it anymore.

“Why can’t you just admit you’re as pissed off as we are? That it was a bad, obviously biased, call?” Apolo asks. All the guys freeze, eyes going wide. They stare between JR and Apolo as if waiting to see exactly where this is going to go. JR looks at Apolo in confusion.

“What are you getting at Apolo?” he asks. He leans back against the open door, keys still in hand. Apolo wants to roll his eyes but refrains.

“I’m asking you to be honest. For once. I’m so sick of you doing this. Pretending like you don’t care, when you so obviously do,” Apolo says, crossing his arms over his chest. He ignores the startled looks on the faces of their teammates, instead focusing on the panic rising in JR’s eyes.

“Apolo, did you hit your head on the ice earlier?” he asks, smiling widely. Apolo shakes his head.

“Fuck it. You and I are going to talk about this!” he turns to their teammates. “You guys go on ahead. JR and I are going to be late. Don’t wait for us. Jordan can borrow something from my dresser. My dresser, Malone, not my closet!” he says. He steps forward, pushing JR further into the room, and closing the door between them and the rest of the team. JR moves quickly away from him, dropping his bag in the corner of the living room, turning to look at him in confusion.

Apolo drops his own gear, readying himself for the coming confrontation.

“Apolo, why are you doing this? We need to get ready to go,” JR says. Apolo shakes his head.

“No we need to discuss why you continue to pretend like none of this is bothering you,” Apolo says staring back at him.

“I’m not pretending, anything. It’s not bothering me. It was just a race!” JR says defensively. Apolo steps closer to him.

“Stop lying! You’re pissed! Just admit it!” Apolo says. JR turns away from him, fighting back tears. He doesn’t want to do this. Not now. Not in front of Apolo. Not right before he has to face his whole family. Face David. Who’s never seen him skate before. And still has never seen him win. Suddenly he can’t keep up the ruse.

“Yes, I’m pissed! I’m furious! I feel like I could rip someone’s head off! But should I show it? What good would it do if I showed that to the world? What kind of example would that set? What would it accomplish?” JR asks turning to look at Apolo again. Apolo shakes his head at him.

“It would show you’re human! That you have emotions!” Apolo says. He looks confused as he says it. He steps closer and reaches out for JR, but JR darts away.

“I have emotions! I feel everything that everyone else does. But it’s private! It’s no one else’s business what goes on inside my head! It’s not any of your business either!” JR replies, moving further away from Apolo, who continued to advance. But JR’s not paying attention and he backs himself into a corner without realizing it. That’s where Apolo manages to catch him. He grabs JR by the shoulders, pressing close.

“I want it to be my business. I need it to be my business!” Apolo says, before pressing his mouth to JR’s, and pulling him closer. JR presses back, pushing himself into Apolo’s body, his hands sliding around Apolo to yank him in harder. He presses his mouth tightly to Apolo’s, sucking at his tongue and groaning against his lips. Apolo lets JR’s shoulder’s go, tugging up JR’s t-shirt to press his hands to JR’s bare back. He tilts his head, opening his mouth to JR’s that much further. JR gasps, pulling his mouth back.

“What are you doing? Wha..” he’s cut off by Apolo’s mouth closing on his again. Apolo pulls back a few seconds later to respond, his voice breathless and a touch angry.

“You won’t let anyone too close. You won’t let anyone in. I want you to let me in. I want to be close to you. Let me show you, please just let me show you,” he says, nipping at JR’s chin. JR tilts his head back, his head bracing against the dorm wall. He groans; his eyes fluttering closed. JR lets Apolo’s mouth suck gently down the long length of his neck, pausing to lick along the bottom of JR’s throat where it curved into his collar bones. JR sucks greedily for air, chest expanding and contracting between Apolo’s hands. He nods.

“Ok. Ok..” JR breathes, his hands tug Apolo’s mouth back up to his. “Show me,” he pleads. Apolo nods.

“OK..” Apolo says. “It’s ok.” He presses his forehead to JR’s and for a second they just breathe together. “Ok,” Apolo says again. He picks his head up, and gripping JR by one wrist, pulls him across the dorm room and into JR’s bedroom. He tugs him over to the bed, and for a minute they just stare at each other.

Apolo can’t fully read JR’s eyes, doesn’t think anyone can, but he can see anticipation and fear there in equal measure. He pulls JR’s t-shirt up and off, his badge coming off right along with it, glad when JR’s arms come up to do the same with his own t-shirt. He reaches for JR’s waist, unbuttoning his jeans, and unzipping the heavy denim fabric. He pushes the clothing down, and the jeans fall to pool around JR’s ankles. Apolo’s hands go to his hips, tugging him in close again. He holds JR steady as the younger man kicks off his jeans and shoes, toeing out of his socks to stand in nothing but his boxer briefs. Apolo reaches into his own back pocket to pull out his wallet. JR watches as he pulls free a condom, replacing the wallet, and reaching down to unbutton his jeans. But JR’s hands get there first, pushing at the fabric with an eagerness that makes Apolo smile. Apolo kicks aside his clothing and shoes to stand as near naked and bare as JR. He watches JR, hoping for a reaction. But JR just stares, eyes wandering from one point on Apolo’s body to another. He visually traces across Apolo’s chest from one shoulder to the other, then down across his pecks, abs, and then further down across the tent of his underwear and along the length of Apolo’s bare thighs. His breathing stutters, and Apolo pulls him in closer by his hips. He presses their erections together and JR squeaks. Apolo reaches up with one hand to cradle the back of JR’s head.

“Have you done this before?” he asks, fingers combing through JR’s hair. JR nods, but doesn’t meet his eyes. Instead JR steps closer pressing their bare chests together and kissing across Apolo’s cheek to his mouth. His mouth is open and sucking and aggressive against Apolo’s, and in reaction Apolo’s hands grip JR tighter, pulling their hips together, one hand sneaking down the back of JR’s boxer briefs to grip his ass, the other tangling further in JR’s hair, giving it a tug. JR moans, nipping at Apolo’s lips and making a hungry sound. Apolo nods. He pulls at JR’s underwear. JR tenses but doesn’t otherwise react as Apolo pulls the fabric down. Instead he presses closer, groaning when Apolo’s fingers loosen in his hair, and he reaches down to grip JR by the thighs. Apolo hikes them up, picking JR up and moving to the bed. He lays JR down, kneeling between spread thighs and pulling back to look him over. JR flushes red with embarrassment and arousal but Apolo doesn’t point this out. Instead, he lets one hand press to JR’s still heaving chest. “Breathe,” he says with a smile.

“I am breathing!” JR says. Apolo leans down over him pressing a gentle kiss to JR’s mouth.

“Breathe slower,” he says calmly. JR closes his eyes, fighting to slow his breathing. While he’s distracted with that task, Apolo tugs his own boxer-briefs down and off. Then he presses a kiss to the center of JR’s chest, which hitches in reaction, before JR again starts forcing himself to take long deep breaths. Apolo smiles to himself, kissing down JR’s chest and muscled abdomen to kiss the tip of JR’s dick. JR hips surge up against his mouth and Apolo pulls away. JR makes a whining sound, his head up off the bed and eyes fixed intently on Apolo’s mouth, eyes wide. Apolo grips JR’s hips, holding them to the mattress. He grins at JR, before licking up the length of JR’s dick, root to tip, and taking it deep. JR shouts in reaction, head slamming back against the mattress, hands fisting in the blanket, and muscle quaking with the effort to keep them in place. And Apolo knows. JR hasn’t done this before. There’s no way in hell he’s done this before. He’s hiding again, lying again. Apolo pulls back considering whether or not to call him on it. But JR makes that whining sound again, whimpering with need. Apolo shakes his head taking JR back into his mouth. If JR’s never had a blow job before, Apolo’s going to make sure it’s the best first blow job ever.

He pulls JR’s thighs further apart, settling in deeper between them. He uses every trick he knows to make it good. He rolls his tongue across JR’s erection, sucks hard, tickles the tip. He uses his teeth, but just a little, closing his hand tightly around the base and taking it deep, down into his throat. Apolo tries to stretch it out, but JR’s eager, and inexperienced, and Apolo’s just too good. When JR gets close enough that it’s inevitable Apolo wets one finger with his own spit and slides it up inside of JR’s ass to press against JR’s prostate. JR cries out, one hand tangling painfully in Apolo’s hair, the other covering his mouth to try and smother the sound, and comes. Apolo pulls back and catches it with his mouth. He swallows greedily, watching JR fall apart. His back arches, the muscles in his chest and arms going taunt with the force of the pleasure spiking through his system. JR’s legs go tense too, and Apolo squeezes the right one, feeling the strength there in the hard muscle.

JR finally goes limp and pliant, his heart jack-hammering in his chest, and his breathing harsh and shallow. Apolo sits up some, licking his lips, and watching as JR pulls himself back together. His eyes are glazed, fixed on the ceiling above them, his face sweaty and red. Apolo smiles a little smugly, and flexes the finger he still has pressed up inside of JR’s ass. He presses it firmly against JR’s prostate. The reaction is instantaneous and sends pleasure arching through Apolo straight to his dick. JR’s ass clenches, his hands fisting again in the sheets. His hips shift eagerly, pressing down against the finger. And JR moans hoarsely. Apolo’s jaw drops and for half a second he reconsiders. Maybe JR has done this before. But then JR looks at him with those eyes, and any doubt flees. JR’s eyes are wide, with wonder, surprise, confusion, and honest pleasure. He hasn’t done this before.

Apolo pulls his finger back and JR whines, his 19 year old dick already perking back up again. He reaches for Apolo again, but Apolo smiles. His finger presses back inside, joined by a second and JR groans, his eyes fluttering closed again. He covers his face with one hand, hiding behind it. Apolo allows it for the moment. By the time he adds a third finger, JR’s hard again and wiggling against the intrusion. This time when he pulls back JR watches him intently. Apolo sits back on his heels reaching for the condom he’d set aside earlier. He tears it open, and reaches down to put it on. JR watches his every movement, watches him stretch the condom on, and roll it down the hard length of his dick. But before Apolo can reach for him again, JR’s shifting, rolling, over onto his stomach.

Apolo knows what this is, why he’s doing this, and he takes several long deep breaths to calm himself. He won’t react in anger. JR, he knows, isn’t doing this to hurt him, but to protect himself. Apolo watches as JR presses up onto his hands and knees, head hanging down between his shoulders, covered in shadow. He wants to make JR turn over, make him stop hiding, stop running from this. But he knows JR. Knows saying that would make JR react negatively and that’s the last thing Apolo wants just then. He wants this to be good, and he knows it won’t be, not if JR is reacting like this. So instead Apolo moves to the far side of the bed, the one pressed up against the wall. He snags a pillow, putting it between his back and the cold wall. He leans against the pillow and reaches for JR.

“JR…” he says. “Come here,” he prompts, tugging at JR’s hip. JR looks back over his shoulder, confusion spreading across his face. Apolo tugs again. “Come here,” Apolo says with a smirk. “I don’t fuck like a dog, come here.”

“Yeah, well I don’t fuck like a girl,” JR says back, tone harsh. Apolo rolls his eyes.

“Do you see me trying to put your ankles behind your ears?” he asks, tilting his head. “Just try it this way. Please?” he says. JR looks at him with suspicion. “JR, come on. I’m hard as a fucking rock here. Gimme a break!” he says with a laugh. JR crawls closer looking unsure. Apolo pats his thighs, hoping JR will climb up into his lap facing him. Instead, JR, stubborn as ever, climbs up and sits facing Apolo’s feet. Apolo mentally sighs. It’s not ideal, but he can work with this. JR kneels there, looking unsure. Apolo wraps one arm around his waist, pulling him back further. “Sit up,” he orders. Reaching down he presses two fingers back into JR, who moves eagerly on the digits. Apolo pulls the fingers out, gripping his own erection. “Down… slowly…” he says softly. JR complies, pressing back and down, Apolo’s dick sliding inch by inch inside of him. Apolo feels JR’s stomach clench, his whole back going rigid at the invasion. “Slow. Slow…” he says softly, leaning forward to press a kiss to the side of JR’s neck. “Slow…” he breathes, in JR’s ear. Soon JR’s all the way down, his ass pressed flush to Apolo’s thighs. He shivers in Apolo’s arms, body tense, and face turned away. Apolo’s arms slide all the way around him from behind, pulling JR back to rest against Apolo’s chest. “Relax, JR. You have to relax,” he says gently. Apolo slides his right hand up across JR’s chest, to rest over the frantic thumping of JR’s heart. The other hand he slides down to grip JR’s half hard dick. JR moans, the sound coming from way down deep. His head goes back to rest on Apolo’s shoulder, as he forces himself to go limp. Apolo smiles, kissing the side of JR’s face.

“I’ve got you,” he says, tightening his arms around him. JR nods against his shoulder, face still turned away. Apolo nips at his ear, but doesn’t force JR to turn and look at him. “Press up,” he instructs. JR does as ordered, using the muscles in his thighs and abdomen to push his body up into the air until Apolo’s almost but not quite out of his ass. Apolo closes his eyes at the pleasure. “Down,” he whispers, voice breaking. JR does as ordered, pressing back down again, Apolo’s hips pressing up to meet him. JR groans, and Apolo swallows a moan of pleasure. He sucks in a quick tight breath. “Again,” he breathes. It’s so quiet in the room. All Apolo can hear is his own pounding heart, their loud breathing, and the sound of their bodies moving together. He doesn’t have to be loud. JR can hear him over the pounding in his ears, that’s all that matters. He does as Apolo instructs, pressing up and then back down again and again and again. The rhythm quickens, their hips meeting and separating at an increasing pace, the rejoining happening with more force each time. JR reaches down with one hand to tangle his fingers with Apolo’s where they’re wrapped around his dick. The other reaches up behind himself, to tug at Apolo’s sweaty hair. Apolo cries out, muffling his pleasure against JR’s neck and shoulder. JR moans turning his face into Apolo’s, eyes wide and open with too many emotions for Apolo to clearly name just then. Apolo picks his head up, pulling his arm free to pull JR’s mouth to his. He shifts JR in his lap, twisting to take JR’s mouth more freely. The angle changes, and JR shouts in his arms, body tensing against Apolo.

“Apolo!” he cries, sounding almost alarmed. Apolo smiles, adding a hitch to his thrust that has JR’s hands tightening in his hair and around JR’s erection. “Oh!” JR shouts, arching his back, and continuing the perfect push and pull of his hips. Apolo groans, pressing his mouth to JR’s in a sloppy kiss.

“JR,” he says, panting between each word. “Come on,” he coaxes. He tightens their combined grip around JR’s dick, quickening the movements of their hands on the hard length. “Come for me,” he orders, retaking JR’s mouth. JR whines, going tense all over. His ass tightens on Apolo’s dick, dragging him over the edge, even as they tug one last time on JR’s dick and he comes across his own stomach. They cry out together, hands grasping, bodies rocking against one another. Then it’s over.

JR collapses back into Apolo’s body, and Apolo goes limp back against the pillow between him and the wall. They lay there propped against the wall, fighting to catch their breath, Apolo’s dick still inside of JR’s body, both of them sweaty and flushed, and smiling. JR’s head rests on Apolo’s shoulder, eyes closed, and face relaxed. Apolo thinks it’s the most unguarded he’s ever seen JR’s face. Apolo wants to enjoy this moment, this easy calm moment before JR pulls up his shields once more and starts hiding from him again. He brushes back JR’s bangs, letting his hand go down to rest comfortably in the center of JR’s heaving chest. He presses his head against JR’s, closing his eyes and taking it all in. He wants to remember every aspect of this moment, the smell and taste of JR, the feel of their skin pressed together, of JR’s weight pressing down the entire length of his body. He feels JR’s heart slow down in increments, his breathing evening out gradually until it is back to normal. That’s when JR seems to come back to reality. Apolo can feel the moment it happens. JR doesn’t pull away, or tense all over, but there’s something indescribable, a shift of some kind that happens. Apolo sighs, mourning the loss of the moment which hadn’t lasted nearly long enough.

“I could love you,” he whispers, his eyes closed. He doesn’t want to see JR’s expression. “I could fall in love with you. See myself spending every night in a bed just like this with you, waking up with you every morning,” his voice sounds pained, even to his own ears, and Apolo knows JR can probably hear it too, might even take advantage of it. “JR… please,” he says softly, pressing his face into the crook of JR’s shoulder. JR breathing hitches once and then he pulls away. Apolo feels himself pull free of JR’s body, as JR scrambles away. He lays there, hands covering his face, head pressed to the wall, listening as JR dresses quickly. Eventually he picks his head up, dropping his hands, and pulling his knees up to his chest. “JR, please,” he says softly, opening his eyes. JR shakes his head, pulling his jeans on sans underwear. “Don’t go,” Apolo pleads.

“I have to go,” JR says, forehead creased, and hands almost frantic as he sits on the edge of the bed to tug his shoes on without unlacing them.

“JR, it’s your room,” he says. JR seems to freeze for a moment.

“I have to go for a walk,” he says. “I need air,” he lies. He stands up reaching down for his credentials. He stands up, slipping them over his head.

“JR,” Apolo says, leaning forward and reaching toward JR, but JR spins away.

“Don’t touch me,” he hisses. Apolo flinches. He sits back against the wall, hurt.

“Those are mine, you won’t get very far with them,” Apolo says, staring at his own feet. He watches out of the corner of his eye as JR reaches down and picks up the id, studying it. JR rips it off, tossing it on the bed, picking up the other set, and pulling them on. He starts for the door but stops, turning around.

“Apolo?” he says softly, and Apolo bites his lip.

“Don’t worry I won’t be here when you get back,” he says sliding to the side of the bed and reaching down for his own clothes still scattered across the floor.

“I can’t be what you want me to be,” JR says softly. Apolo freezes in his attempts to pull the leg of his pants back from inside out.

“I don’t want you to be anything, JR, but yourself,” he says, unable to look at the younger man. JR shakes his head.

“You want me to be someone different from who I am,” JR says, sounding almost angry. Apolo looks up at him.

“No, JR. I want you to finally be who you are. At least with me. You hide what you really feel, you hide what you really think from everyone you know. Your friends, your family, your teammates. Everyone. I just want you to be real,” he looks down, pulling the pants up his legs. He stands up sliding the jeans up and buttoning them closed. He steps toward JR. “You think I don’t understand? I have the media paying attention to every word I say, everything I do. I know what it’s like to monitor how you present yourself to the world. I understand, not wanting to disappoint people, to have something you’ve done or said be interpreted wrong. But JR, sometimes you have to let that shit out. I cuss, and drink, and fuck up just like everyone else does. You know that, you’ve seen me do it. Because I’ve opened up to you. I let you see that part of me. You don’t have that JR, because you don’t trust anyone to get that close. You never let your guard down. It must be really fucking lonely, not to mention exhausting,” Apolo says softly. JR looks up at him with wide eyes, looking scared, like he’s half ready to bolt and half ready to cry.

“I don’t know how to be any different,” JR says softly, looking down at his hands, fisted in the hem of his t-shirt. “I’ve always been this way.” Apolo steps closer.

“Just talk to me,” he says, holding out a hand. JR takes it slowly. He leads JR back to the bed, and JR sits down beside him. “Say something honest, that you’ve never been able to say out loud,” Apolo prompts. JR thinks a moment. He looks at Apolo and takes a deep breath.

“I…” he pauses to take a second deep breath. “I don’t like girls,” he says. Apolo carefully doesn’t let his expression change. “I’m gay,” JR says with more confidence. Apolo nods.

“Anything else you want to get off your chest?” he asks.

“I hate broccoli,” JR says suddenly, and it’s like a shift takes place inside of him, “and mushrooms,” which makes Apolo smile, “and bologna.” He starts talking and he can’t stop. He talks about what he likes and dislikes. “I hate stair exercises, but I love when they tell us to warm up by running laps.” About important things: “I think moving to SLC was the bravest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve never, for one day, regretted it.” And sort of embarrassing stuff: “I started skating short track because of you, but I pretend like I it doesn’t matter when people compare me to you, because I don’t want all the pressure I see people putting on you to skate well.” About seemingly unimportant things: “I really miss having a dog, but I know I can’t really afford to take care of one, and we travel too much for it to be a good idea to get one. I just miss having something warm and fuzzy curled up against me at night. Someone who was always happy to see me when I got home, you know?”

And it doesn’t seem to stop. Not for a long time. Apolo just sits back and listens and doesn’t offer any type of judgment.

“I think that thing on your chin looks stupid, but I can’t imagine your face without it.”  
“I think Jordan and Simon can both be totally self-absorbed assholes sometimes, but I love them anyway.”  
“I think Travis gets high a lot more often then he lets on. And I wish he and Aly would just like get married already.”  
“Sometimes I wish I were as heroic is David, but honestly guns kind of really scare the crap out of me.”  
“I’m not sure I want to go to Berkeley in the Fall. I’m thinking about other things I’d rather do with the next four years. Things other than more school.”  
“I sometimes wish I had more memories of you from when I was a little kid. You’re kind of this hazy half-memory really and that makes me sad.”  
“I’m really glad I had the parents I did growing up. I can’t imagine anyone else shipping their kid off to California at 14 the way did, but at the same time, I wish we’d done things a bit differently. I could have done a lot better without taking that year off.”  
“Sometimes I don’t think I’m ready to be a grown up, but then I remember what it was like to be a kid and then I know I’m so so ready.”  
“I really miss my mom sometimes. She’s a pretty great mom. But once in a while I feel like maybe I miss Wilma even more than that. I think she is the very best coach I’ve ever had. And while I was in California, she pretty much was my mom.”

Finally it seems to slow down. By then he’s curled up against Apolo’s chest, and they’re stretched out the length of the bed.

“I was really scared last September. I honestly thought I was going to die, and that if I didn’t die, that my career was over. I’ve never been that scared in my entire life,” JR says softly. Apolo’s arm tightens around his shoulder, but JR doesn’t keep going.

“Done?” Apolo asks quietly after a few minutes of silence. JR looks up at him, moving to rest his head on the same pillow, nose half an inch from Apolo’s.

“Almost,” he says softly, eyes serious. Apolo nods to show he’s listening. “I was a virgin,” JR says softly, blushing red. “Before tonight I mean. I’d never been with a guy before. I never let myself be tempted by one before,” he explains. Apolo nods, he’d figured that out. “But I’ve wanted you… like that… for a long time,” JR says softly. Apolo smiles.

“How long?” he asks. JR blushes again, looking down. Apolo’s smile spreads into a grin. “Tell me,” he whispers.

“For a long long time,” he says, pressing his forehead to Apolo’s. “This isn’t like I thought it would be...” he says trailing off.

“What isn’t like you thought it would be?” Apolo asks.

“Falling in love,” JR whispers. Apolo grins.

“Well this is only step one. It’s an ongoing process you know. It doesn’t happen in just one night… well, usually it doesn’t…” he says. JR smiles back at him.

“Promise you won’t break me?” he asks. Apolo’s expression turns serious.

“That’s something you’ll have to learn about falling in love, JR. Everyone’s heart gets broken a little bit in the process. It’s not going to always be sex and smiles. I’m going to get mad at you and you’re going to get pissed as hell as me. We’re going to fight, and say awful things that we only half mean, and we might even break up a few times only to get right back together again. You have to be willing to go through the ups and the downs with me, or this won’t work.” JR closes his eyes.

“But will it be worth it?” he asks. This time Apolo smiles.

“Yes. It is definitely worth it,” he replies, pressing his hand to the side of JR’s head. “You’re definitely worth it. Do you think I am?” he asks. JR grins, opening his eyes.

“Yes. I do.” He presses forward to press his mouth to Apolo in a kiss that has Apolo tugging at their jeans again. “Is it my turn to fuck you?” JR asks, pulling his t-shirt off and sitting up to straddle Apolo’s hips. Apolo grins up at him.

“Oh, I hope so!” Apolo says, tugging JR’s mouth back down to his own. They don’t make it to dinner.

 

JR doesn’t stop lying. Everyone, after all, tells little white lies to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. And he’s right, that the inner workings of his head are not the entire worlds business. But he doesn’t lie to Apolo. When they’re alone JR’s almost brutally honest with him. And Apolo takes that honesty in the spirit it’s given. He switches the song on his iPod without rolling his eyes, or changes his clothes to one less “horrifyingly mismatched” without complaint. And he is just as honest with JR, calling out his music for being “slit your wrists depressing” or his taste in movies for being “totally fucked up.” And it works for them. Because Apolo was right too, everyone needs someone who knows how you really feel about the world, the good and the bad, and who doesn’t judge. Someone who sees the real you, and loves you anyway.

 

The End


End file.
